I've been in a funk for the past month or so. It's evident by the fact that I've traded good habits for bad, spent less and less time studying God's Word, and have become quite restless in our current situation. I'm very aware that I'd better snap out of it.
Tonight I finally got off my unmotivated can and took the littles for a walk around the block after dinner. As we rounded the corner, I suddenly realized the cause for my discontent:
Our home, which we poured our lives into building three years ago, doesn't feel like home anymore. It feels like it's someone else's house and we're just staying there. I'm too uptight to enjoy it because I know that we won't be living here for very much longer (at least as far as we know). The tile floors that I absolutely loved a year ago now seem cold and unforgiving when I clean them. The warm tones we chose for the paint is too dark, according to some of the potential buyers who have come through. The beautiful hand-carved ash trim that I fell in love with at first sight is too light, as per others. I can't ever seem to get the granite shiny enough, the carpets clean enough, and for the life of me - I can't keep my plants and flowers alive. The hanging baskets I so happily placed in strategic places in our backyard survived no more than a week before they turned brown and crunchy. I've come to the realization that I despise our house because it's no longer "ours".
Please don't think I'm ungrateful, because that's not the case. I just wish that I could live here without worrying about whether the next showing will be good enough for someone to make an offer. I hate that my kids had to take all of their decorations off their walls and put most of their belongings in storage so the house wouldn't appear cluttered. Our floorplan was customized to fit our large family, but the layout "confused" too many people who came through; so we re-arranged the main rooms to accomodate those who have no imagination. For example, now our only tv is in our bedroom and I hate that the kids have to try to get comfortable on our bedroom floor instead of sprawling out in the family room to watch tv.
Thanks for letting me vent. I've always tried to be completely transparent with this blog, and sometimes, as with this post, it's ugly. It really is helpful to me to write how I feel and what is going on deep in my heart. I know the Lord has a plan for us. I need to keep waiting on Him and believing that His Will is being accomplished in my life. I must embrace this trial and not allow negativity and bitterness set in.
Philippians 4:4-7 "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Goodnight, all!
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