It's All About Attitude

Please don't let the personal nature of this post scare you off. Writing is therapeutic for me. I write from the heart, and sometimes it gets right down to the nitty-gritty. Now, at 1:58 am C.S.T. on July 2, 2010, is one of those times. Write, I must.
Had a good day on Thursday -and actually Wednesday wasn't bad, either. We had a showing Thursday afternoon that we spent two days preparing for. Matt got all of the little things on the to-do list done (ie re-hanging fallen towel bars, tweaking the spring on the front door that just didn't close quite right, etc)and I did detailed cleaning alongside the kids. I felt really good about this showing -- maybe, just maybe this will be THE one. I was optimistic all day.
However, we haven't heard back from the realtor yet. I figure if the buyers who came through the house were interested we would know by now. I am disappointed beyond words. I know better than to get my hopes up, but I was just feeling so good about this one.
Anyway, my spirits weren't yet dampened until just a while ago. I could feel my anxiety rising as I read through other friends' posts about their vacations and fun plans for the Fourth of July. "Fun, fun, fun! Let's make wondeful memories and take lots of pictures so that all of our friends can see what a great time we've had." Grrrr....I've been trying to make plans but without a dime to spare and a husband who hates crowds, the holiday weekend will be like all of our other ones: uneventful.
...And that, dear readers, is where I gave the enemy a doorway. Yep, I started feeling sorry for myself and my kids because our lives really suck right now. In typical Satan fashion, he started reminding me of all the things we don't have and can't do and wanted to do in the past but didn't. And then, I started thinking about all the vacations we've taken in the past 6 years -- all one of them. Yes, one vacation in six years. Oh, poor me!
That has been a sore spot for me for eons, but you know what? My resentment, my bitterness about things like that is sin. Just plain sin. I've chosen to be resentful and hold bitterness. I can blame my husband for his failure to make life exciting for us, but guess what, Rebecca? It's still MY sin.
Wouldn't you know that right about the time I was getting really riled inside about how our kids are missing out on fun family adventures, Matt rolled over and asked me to massage his lower back because he'd strained it during his workout. Normally I'm happy to do that, but this time I lasted about 30 seconds before I abruptly hopped out of bed and went to the laundry room to fold whatever was in the dryer. Poor Matt...he had no idea what came over me. However, I knew that I needed to be alone somewhere to pray and settle down. I'm finally learning that when I let things get to me -- especially situations that neither Matt nor I can change -- by letting them get to me I'm only driving a wedge between he and I AND the Lord and I.
Okay, so after all that you're asking "what is her point?", right? My point is that I get to choose either to give thanks for what we have or allow myself to be consumed by what we don't have. What kind of example am I to my children if I complain about our lack of vacation trips, or whine about Matt not wanting to do anything fun or go somewhere for the day? What is that teaching my kids? That it's okay to be ungrateful? That we should be able to have whatever we want? Whew...I think that's what I've been doing for a long time. Lord, have mercy!
Instead, I must teach them to choose to be grateful for all that He's done in the last 8 months. Matt's a changed man, I've certainly changed for the better, our marriage is stronger than it's ever been, our kids are developing character and creativity, etc. We've learned to live without a lot of "things"; we have a lot more family time together at home, and most importantly, when all is said and done and God's plan for our future comes to fruition, we will all be able to say, "Look what the Lord has done! He was faithful to us: there was always provision, we grew in our faith, and our lives are better than they were before Matt was laid-off."
Hmmm...I guess that's all I have to write. If you've stuck around this long, I thank you. Please pray for we Varnells - that we will not grow weary in this drought, but that the Lord will continue to work and cleanse and purify us according to His will.
Hugs to you - goodnight! (errr...make that "good morning".)